History In The Making

I woke up the other day on a mission. This summer I was going to make history. Or, at least, I was going to make history for myself and my family. I decided that I was going to make this year memorable; a banner year in the Reysner household.

And then I thought back and realized that every year of my life has had significance. Every year has had a major event. And when I say "major event" I mean it has been an earth-shattering, personal-history-making, event. That doesn't necessarily mean they were good or even pleasant events, but they have been events that moved my personal evolution forward in a significant way. They have been events that have shaped me into who I am today. And since I love who am today, these events have all been good things, because they have all culminated into . . . .well -- me.

And then I thought, if every year in the past has had a major, life altering event, then that means that this year and every year thereafter will have a major, life altering event. And since I look back on every annual life altering event in a positive light and as a positive experience . . . . Well, it's very exciting really.

I want you to imagine the future as being as-of-yet-unrealized moments of greatness and personal growth. Think of the possibilities. All of the moments of pleasure that you will experience. All of the realizations you will come to. My God. Look back at who you were 10 years ago. How you have grown so far beyond that person. And now realize that in 10 years, you will look back on your present day self in the same manner

Oooooooh. I'm all tingly now.

The world is my oyster. Because I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And, doggone it, people like me.

Rules for Being a Smart-Ass in the 21st Century

When you're trying to cut someone down with overly dramatic sarcasm and condescension, DON'T MIS-SPELL SHIT! In a previous post, I listed a set of rules for being a rational, mature adult in 21st Century America. I had sent this list of rules to another attorney as part of my ongoing endeavors to be a jack-ass.

Imagine my surprise when someone else read the post and noticed that I had mis-spelled the french phrase "Je ne sais quoi" and instead spelled it "Je ne sais qua".

Damn it.

Holy Cropamoly

A little over 9 years ago I started practicing law. I started with a decent salary (which I won't disclose here).

Seven years later, my wife and I opened up our own law practice with exactly ZERO clients. We built the firm from the ground up over the last two years.

Now, our overhead costs (including advertising budget) exceed my first years' annual salary.

My how things change.

Where's My Government Bailout?

Well, our government has just bailed out the very mortgage companies that have caused this current financial crisis.

Hypothetical: Let's say I make a series of piss-poor and fraudulent financial decisions making me unable to pay my federal tax bill totaling $19.04. I ask for a bailout. What do you think is going to happen? Will I a) see my government give me a bailout or b) go to prison?

What if instead my series of bad decisions and fraud cost consumers at large 19 Billion dollars. Will I a) see my government give me a bailout or b) go to prison?

Hmmmm, I guess it's just a matter of scale. Small f#$k up = prison. Huge, unimaginable fraud resulting in a global economic meltdown = I get money.

Um can I borrow 19 Billion dollars? I have an idea.

Better Business Through Scare Tactics

As a successful business-man, I have learned a number of key ingredients to selling your product. The first is that you need to provide a quality product. The second is to provide something the competition does not. Or, provide an edge over the competition that drives customers away from them and over to you.

Or you can try to scare the hell out of people. Although not my chosen business plan, I do so enjoy watching it.

For instance, take a gander at this e-mail I just received. Brilliant! Brilliant, I tell you!!

I think the doctor wearing a skull mask and handling a dull kitchen knife right over a picture of a flacid penis in surgery is just brilliant marketing! I mean, who wouldn't buy this product now?

I also like it when they mis-spell the word "discount" (notice the two s's.) So filled with confidence am I.

Mis-spellings, skeletons, and dull kitchen knives. Those are the three keys to successful marketing.

Dude, I Had NO Idea!

Completely random post:

According to this article on http://www.howstuffworks.com/, lobsters never show signs of aging. They never get weaker with age or more susceptible to disease. In fact, the older a lobster becomes the more fertile it is.

Scientists currently have no idea if lobsters have a maximium lifespan or if they have a maximum size.

That is officially the coolest and weirdest thing I've read all month.

Rules for Being a Rational, Mature Adult in 21st Century America:

I once got so annoyed at opposing counsel that I sent them the following list of "rules". Opposing counsel was less than pleased with my condescending attitude. So here goes:

1) Avoid name calling. It's childish and is generally considered to be the weakest form of debate. If you must name call, do so with more acumen. If you're going to insult someone, at least impress them with your sharp wit. Rattling on and on with weird, irrational personal attacks just lacks that . . . je ne sais qua. . . . that Cyrano de Bergerac flare that is the hallmark of a good attorney;

2) If you want something from someone, try being nice. It's a honey/vinegar kind of thing;

3) Avoid wasting your energy trying to rile someone up who does not value your opinion or judgment. You're wasting your breath;

4) Don't compensate for your own shortcomings by projecting them on to others;

5) Excess aggression should be dealt with in therapy;

6) Attempts to spread your own misery by berating those around you is too transparent. It is a tell-tale sign of weakness. Kind of like taking your work-related aggression out on your dog;

7) Remain calm. Showing anger and excess emotion to your opponent is a sign of weakness and is generally a poor characteristic for an accomplished attorney to exhibit;

8) If you're going to nail yourself to the proverbial cross and proclaim your great achievements erstwhile lamenting the fact that you are unappreciated by the unwashed masses, try to do so with a touch more humility. It's hard for us commoners to bask in your glory otherwise;

9) Brush twice daily, don't forget to floss. (This has nothing to do with maturity, it's just a good rule for personal hygiene.)